I can remember our first foster daughter coming into our home a couple days before her 13th birthday. For months we would say good night to her and head straight to our bedroom. We would close the door, lower our voices and begin to re-evaluate the day and then plan for the next like officers strategizing in a war room.
Parenting a “hurt” child often feels like a massive game of chess, strategizing the next unique move to love this very unique kid. It is also one of the most taxing things a human being can do. It is dealing with the brokenness of humanity head on and needs every bit of tact, strategy, and God’s grace and mercy that He will give.
And when exhausted from giving it your all, it is easy to lose sight of some mission critical parenting principles. Here are 3 things I force myself to remember in the thick of it all.
1) They have been raised to survive, not to thrive
In most cases lying, stealing, selfishness, and the inability to empathize will surface again and again. Get ready, because they all come with the territory. All of these are symptoms of a human being who has been forced into survival mode early on in their little lives. Every decision they have had to make growing up has been made in the context of an unsafe environment.
Their way of life: survival mode.
While parenting and leading “hurt” children, we must remember that our primary role is to do whatever you can to expect this way of life(survival mode), and then create an environment and family ethos that transitions them into the truth that they were create not only to survive, but to thrive. Their creator came into the world to give them Life, and to give it to them to its fullest.
2) Be grateful for gratitude, but do not expect it
Too many people have read that “one” story from “Chicken Soup For The Soul”, or have watched that one movie on Encore. Happy ever afters rarely happen with “hurt” children. Nine out of 10 parents who have experience will tell you how insanely tiring and taxing it is. You take them weekly to counseling and eventually you need to book appointments for yourself. I think I have aged 10 yrs in the past 2! So when our adoptive kid decides to call us by our first name instead of Dad or Mom after 5 years of being with us, or when you don’t get an immediate “thank you” as you buy them their first big wheel, remember they did not choose this. Frankly, they did not choose us. Be patient, and cherish the moments where you do get small glimpses of gratitude.
3) I’m parenting a hurt child for their entire life, not only for their childhood.
I forget that parenting a hurt child will be a life long thing, not an 18 year thing. It will be decades of reminding them that they were created by Jesus and for Jesus to thrive not simply to survive. It will be decades of reminding myself of the brokenness that they were formed within, cherishing but not expecting the sweet moments along the way. When frustration comes because my 10-year-old foster child lies, I must remind myself that they will not be perfect before they move out at age 18 or 22. I have to do a gut check and remind myself that it is a miracle they are still alive and with us in the first place. They will be attempting to break out of the broken systems and culture most were created in for the rest of their lives, and this is ok. Sad, but ok. Let us be patient and walk alongside of them for life knowing that our perfection and theirs will not surface until we stand next to our savior one sweet day.
To all those in it with us,
We are so grateful for you and will continue to pray for the battle you find yourself in.
As my 8 year old adopted daughter says,
“Peace and Hair Grease!”
Yes, yes, yes. So grateful for you guys from afar. Keep your eyes on Jesus. Your words whisper hope, a sense of peace, and purpose that only flows from the Father. Blessings!
How very wonderful it is what you are doing. I’m not in a position myself to adopt or foster but I greatly admire and prayerfully support those who do. Being a parent in a blended family, all of us imperfect, I have a little understanding of the challenges. May God bless you as you and your wife share His yoke in this field.
Grateful for the encouragement Linda. Need it!
SO very true..Our son adopted at 8 is 40 and still deals with some insecurities and questions, but he has learned the family who chose him will be there through it all.
I’m guessing we have a lot to learn from parents like you Peg. Thanks for leading the way
I am so impressed and I know it must be very challenging. I am raising my step granddaughter from an abused parent. Some days are very hard, I just sit back and the god I was able to rescue her. She has a lot of questions at age 3. I try my best to answer them to the best of my knowledge. She very smart about life and I hope she doesn’t’ turn on me because of the battle in court. God be with these precious children that has been so mistreated in there little lives.
Gena,
Amanda and I will be praying for you. I’m sure it’s not easy. Grateful that you have stepped in for her. With you in prayer-
So true. We often remind ourselves that our 4 year old daughters remember surviving more than they remember the love that we have lavished on them for the last 3 years of their lives. Survival is their first memory. And it is so powerful.
We are so often amazed at things that will pop up. And when people say things to us like, “Do you really think that’s related? I mean, you’ve had them 3 years?”, we no longer try to explain.
These children from hard places have such great need of healing. We are forever grateful knowing that someday, by God’s grace, they will be healed. But we also know that even with healing, their are scars.
Thanks for writing. Great words.
Really true and real. And well said. It is a challenge to keep our expectations high in the Lord and what He does, and realistic for our children as they go through the process of growing and receiving healing. We have four adopted from Russia as older children and boy has it been a process! We see that survival mode still hard at work even 10 and 12 years later. I remember years ago the Lord told us “you need to be in this for the long haul,” and we are beginning to understand what He was saying now. We are in this for life. Blessings on you and your family!
I am printing this and putting it on my mirror! We so need these reminders every single day!!! Thank you for your honesty and for putting into words the things that are hard to say in the middle of parenting hurt children.
We were foster parents for 20 years and have adopted 9 children, 6 from foster care. Most of our children have disabilities – some physical, but dealing with their emotional hurts are definitely the most exhausting. You have hit the nail on the head in a very succinct and direct way. Thanks for sharing and keep on keeping on.
Paula,
Inspired by your tenacity and resilience. Hoping we leave a bit of the same legacy 20 years from now.
with you in prayer
I have adopted four children through the foster care system and raised them as a single mom. Through the younger years it was challenging to try to understand behaviors and where they were coming from, and thus, how to best respond. I had a great Christian foster care agency and learned so much in those years. After a period of semi stability, the teen years hit and it’s been heart rending and exhausting at times. Two of the four have turned away from the Lord – one is in prison and one is struggling in college. One is struggling with her sexuality and faith, and the other has a solid faith. Yet all have trust issues, relationship issues, and tend to the survival mode. I know God is faithful, and He is not done with all of our lives yet and I am trusting Him. Your article is very encouraging and honest and true. Thanks for a little sustenance here!
Renee,
it’s about the process isn’t it? Always tough to remember, but as important as the outcome may be, it always seems to be the process and experiencing God’s presence in the process that is priority for Him.
Grateful for you and praying diligently for your faithfulness. we are inspired by it.
Thanks
Dan
I’m so thankful to our Lord that I know you and and the love you have for these precious children. I pray everyday that more people will step up and adopt, love, care for and walk through life with these broken children. I weekly see the results of children that never had a loving home or that aged out of foster care and are dying on the streets. God loves all these children whether in little bodies or children in adult bodies.
I was given your link by our adoption worker here in South east Texas. My husband and I are Foster parents here. We are moving to Detroit, Leo (my husband is already there). He has been there for 7 weeks. We are waiting on the adoption of our 2nd child to go through and the sale of our house before we will be joining him. We love Fostering . We take high livel care drug addicted new borns and have had 6 in the past 2 years. We also injoy working with the birth Moms to help them see the love of Christ and know they are valued above all else. God has amazing things planned for our family in Detroit. Thank you for your blog. God bless you and your family.
Catherine,
praying for the final stages of the adoption process. Keep us posted. Not exactly sure how you do it, but trust that you are in our prayers. Grateful that God has brought you to Detroit. This place is in serious need of parents like you two.
Grateful,
Dan